Confession
by The Bebop Nameck
Summary: The thoughts and confession of a confused warrior.


Confession

Demons don't need anyone. All a demon needs is himself- and most importantly, power. Emotions are a waste of time that will only lessen, if not completely prevent, the gain of power.

Who knew that the old man might be right.

Not that I agree with my sire. Power and vengeance isn't something that I seek anymore. But... it seems like he's right about emotions being a waste. Kami knows I've only gotten hurt letting my emotions over come me.

It's not his fault though. How was the kid suppose to know that his sensei, the man he was suppose to be able to trust without thought, would have anything but pure intentions towards him? He couldn't. He couldn't know that this vile demon lusted after him. Kami that makes me sound like a disgusting, perverted beast. I'm not mindless- my thoughts aren't only to ravish the boy- to use him as a plaything. He's deserves so much more than that. He deserves... more than I could ever hope to give him.

He was the first... no... my only friend.

Sure the boy's father tried to befriend me after the disaster on Namecksei. But behind that knowing facade, there is no understanding. Of course, I doubt that the kid really understands either. Sure, he's heard about all the things I've done. But he didn't ever see any of it. And he doesn't have to live with the screams. The nightmares.

Bet no one would expect that coming from me. Yeah, I have nightmares over the things I've done. The things my sire's memories caused me to do. Kami he must be having a fit over what I've become.

I'm worthless.

Compared to the damn saiya-jin, I'm nothing. I'm no defender. And attempting to join society like the rest of the weaker idiots? Don't make me laugh.

I won't.

...I can't.

...I've tried...

It's not worth the pain. I've tried for him... I really have. I mentioned visiting him at work once.

... He said he'd be embarrassed if I scared his coworkers. I thought of that. I knew that most of them would be old enough to remember the damn bodukai. And everything my sire did before that. But I was willing to try for him. Doesn't that mean anything to the kid? I was willing to walk into a human infested building and go see him. I would have let the image of the big bad demon down if it would make him happy.

Seeing me doesn't make him happy like it used to.

He's not a kid any more. He's not running off from his mother's studies to come see his sensei. Not showing me some stupid... cute... little dance- killing me in the process because he's whistling. He's not using me a his own personal pillow while I meditate any more. He doesn't need me any more. Who would need someone like me? A bitter demon with the outer emotions of a brick wall. Maybe he's better off with out me. Living in his downtown loft- he told me he always wanted one.

He's better off.

I have to keep telling myself that. It's not fair to him. He shouldn't have to cater to me- I should never ask him to. I want him to be happy- not miserable and by my side.

Kami... I wish he'd stay with me. That he'd be happy with me

I must enjoy this... this self-induced torture. Masochistic. That's the word he'd use. I enjoy the pain. I must enjoy the cruel treatment I have always receive- to the point where I'm self inflicting it. Not physically, just mentally. Only mentally... just on the verge of wanting to take it to the next step. If I ever admit too much to him I just might- I know it won't be well receive.

Hell, I won't even admit it to myself.

How do you tell someone something like that when you can't even say the words to yourself? If I believed it, I'd even ask how I knew he wouldn't accept it. But I know he won't. He doesn't need me after all. It's something I need to remind myself of. I can't tell him because he doesn't need me. He's all grown up and living on his own now- a job and all. He doesn't need that burden hanging over his head.

I'm a burden...

That's rather accurate really. I was never a worthy heir to my father's throne. I will never be accepted into the society that the humans have built for themselves. I'm too different, too alien- a stranger in a strange land. I am a burden if placed in either situation, not being fit for either. The more sane portion of my mind argues that he shouldn't be accepted either. He's just as different as I am from these humans. Difference and normalcy can never co-exist, but perhaps he has a better chance than I ever will. He can fit in, I cannot. I'd be a burden to him if we...

Stop.

Stop right there.

The "what if's" are going to kill me if I let them run rampant. I've already let the kid in and in doing so managed to completely screw up my life. I let my emotions come to the front, let them breathe. However, I cannot let them control me.

I would be utterly destroyed.

Let's add that to the growing list of self pity.

This is pathetic. I never let the kid get like this. He'd be here with that irritating grin he inherited from his father, teasing me about being a hypocrite...

I suppose I am...

Nothing makes sense anymore!

I want to live my life, but its hopeless. All I can think about is him. Its unhealthy, this obsession- but its overpowering me.

It's too late though.

He's gotten to me. He... he's worked his way into my heart. I unfortunately found out I have one because of this.

He's my best- my only friend.

My world.

Gohan...

My Gohan...

He taught a demon to... love.

It hurts- this pain of knowing that he would hate me.

Reject me...

The icy chill of those wraps around me, whispering soft words into my ear. I can feel it gripping at my heart- my soul.

But, for all the chill- I cannot go numb.

I wish I would. It wouldn't hurt so much.

... May Kami forgive me, though I don't think he ever could.

This is my confession, to myself, to him, to the world.

The confession of the heir to a demon throne, the best friend of the world's strongest fighter, and a man who can never fit in either of those two worlds.

I love you, Son Gohan.

- Daimaou Pikkoro.


End file.
